So I finally handed in my dissertation a week or so ago. Now I just have to hold my breath and wait for the results and hopefully, a celebratory graduation. I could go into how much I would like to change about it, and the errors that have surfaced since then, but I won’t. What is done is done. I would definitely recommend doing an MA to people. I feel like it has provided me with a transitional environment in which I could get myself together as a person, grow, as well as further develop my writing and literary skills. Compared to when I completed my BA, I feel less lost and ‘thrown out’ into the real world. I still don’t know what I’m doing or what’s going to happen, but ‘lost’ isn’t the word I would use for it. More determined, open to opportunities, confident, optimistic, while still being grounded about the fact that isn’t going to happen overnight. That I’ve just reached a checkpoint, and I’m getting there slowly, and that is okay.
The good thing that has also come out of the MA are the areas that have opened themselves up for further research (if I decide to pursue it). And genuine areas, topics a lot more mature and somewhat up to standard. Because I’ve realised that I can’t sit still. As much as I am grateful for the time to wind down, go out, catch up with friends, watch whole seasons of TV shows, sell books on eBay, clear out boxes of files, and generally do things like get that yearly eye test I’ve been putting off, I know that the novelty will wear off. I know that eventually once I’ve done all this, in a month or so, I will become restless again. Restless for the next project, the next goal and achievement to work towards. And I’m not a crazy workaholic, I like having a balance. I’m
lazy introverted as much I can be hardworking and outgoing. But I do know that I feel happier psychologically when my focus is on something I’m passionate about. Something more than the everyday chatter, small talk, ‘fun’, and socialising. Something that will add up to something in the future. Because from past experience, I don’t want to spend another unhappy winter feeling depressed, with anxiety kicking in at the ‘hopelessness of it all’.
The past week, I found myself getting tired from basically doing nothing all day and thought how crazy it was that just a week before that I was running on full energy, on just 4 hours of sleep. I was falling into the bad trap of refreshing social media, staring at my phone over nothing, slowly dwindling into the self doubt and overthinking that happens when your mind is too empty.
But this week it was time to change things, starting with finally writing a blog post. A close friend of mine pointed out that surely blogging should be easier than writing a dissertation. And it is. And maybe that’s why I fall into phases of not blogging. It seems too easy. I keep getting stuck trying not to be another voice on the internet that writes about nothing of much importance. We really are our worst critic. But blogging, like writing, is cathartic and I should do it for that, as well as for keeping connected, and keeping my writing skills somewhat in order. So if all goes to plan, I’ve got some book reviews coming up and further posts in which I promise to talk less about myself. I’ve also planned some projects and things offline to expand my experience outside of academia. I’m trying to be more of a ‘do-er’ and less of a ‘sayer’/’thinker’ and it’s all in the early stages, so let’s not get into all that incase I jinx myself..